English
COWS
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
some old and some very good new ones
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real
Most are illegals.
Good looking woman... A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He says, "How's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
Guts or Balls? We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
How the Adarvo policies got established ;-) Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to
climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the
other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are
doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However,
he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This
includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing
it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt
to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
And that's how any company's policies get established.
Hu is the new leader of China.doc (30 KB)
Linux Tech Call Liquid Viagra Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
Moore's Law of MeatDue to rapid advances in food science, the am... Moore's Law of Meat
Due to rapid advances in food science, the amount of valuable meat that is required to build a fully-functioning hamburger has been declining drastically in the past several decades. Accorging to McDonald's co-founder Gordon E Moore, the total meat content of a marketable hamburger should continue to follow an exponentially-declining curve for many years to come. As of 2005, the meat layer need be no thicker than 90 nanometers. Restaurant technicians have projected that 60 nm meat thickness is now technologically feasible, and should be out on the market by the end of the year.The Scary Uncertain Future
Of course, when hamburger meat eventually reaches the thickness of a single electron, the dreaded laws of quantum cheddardynamics must be taken into account somehow. Popular pessimistic prognosticators have been predicting that hamburger technology must hit an impassable wall at this point; only time will tell. One puzzled French student asked , "What gender is computer?" ("la computer")or ("le computer").
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The Women won!
Quantas pilots and mechanics - what can we learn for Adarvo? After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe
sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problems
encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need
repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct each
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the
form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the
gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here
are some actual logged maintenance problems as submitted by
Qantas pilots and the responses recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that
has never had an accident.
PROBLEM: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
RESPONSE: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
PROBLEM: Test flight OK, except "auto-land" very rough.
RESPONSE: "Auto-land" not installed on this aircraft.
PROBLEM: Something loose in cockpit.
RESPONSE: Something tightened in cockpit.
PROBLEM: Dead bugs on windshield.
RESPONSE: Live bugs on back-order.
PROBLEM: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
RESPONSE: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
PROBLEM: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
RESPONSE: Evidence removed.
PROBLEM: DME volume unbelievably loud.
RESPONSE: DME volume set to more believable level.
PROBLEM: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
RESPONSE: That's what they're there for.
PROBLEM: IFF inoperative.
RESPONSE: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
PROBLEM: Suspected crack in windshield.
RESPONSE: Suspect you're right.
PROBLEM: Number 3 engine missing.
RESPONSE: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
PROBLEM: Aircraft handles funny.
RESPONSE: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
PROBLEM: Target radar hums.
RESPONSE: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
PROBLEM: Mouse in cockpit.
RESPONSE::Cat installed.
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