English
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"
A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Londo... n to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too. I didn't realize we had a choice.
An explanation of Marketing You An explanation of Marketing.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic
in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in
bed." -- That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone
number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." --
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your
dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach
up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and
then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I
hear you're fantastic in bed." -- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with
your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome
men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!" -- That's Spam.
An old Italian Mafia Don .... An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed;
"Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me."
The grandson smiles weakly and replies; "But grandpa, I really doan a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?"
Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice; "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybea a couple of bambinos."
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues; "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"
Apparently a teacher has been arrested in the UK in possession of
compasses, protractor, and straight edge. It is claimed he is a
member of the Al Gebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction.
Best Short Joke An elderly couple was attending church services. About half way through, she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid.".
Cannot find New York Times Story (12 KB)
I opened this and immediately
Cannot find Weapons of Mass Destruction (11 KB)Such mal hinter dem Bush!
COWS
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
some old and some very good new ones
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real
Most are illegals.
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